5 Celebrity Arrests That Are Laughably Insane
Part of being a rogue is living dangerously. And not necessarily in the “immediate physical danger” sense -- you could be manipulating the system, taking advantage of loopholes, or finding and mastering your own hustle. But for a handful of celebrities, they take this to mean “do whatever the hell I want, any time I damn well please.”
But that’s not being a rogue – that’s being an ass. Which is why the actions and subsequent arrests of these five are forcing us to put them in a category that we’re going to call “anti-rogue.”
A Naked Randy Travis Crashes His Trans Am And Gets A DUI
Even if you’re not a country music fan, you likely know who Randy Travis is. The guy had 16 number 1 hits, and over a dozen more in the Top 10. If you were to ask a non-fan what they think country music sounds like, they would involuntarily imagine Randy Travis. He was basically the definition of country before the genre morphed into 1980s rock power ballads.
In 2012, Randy was having a few and watching the Super Bowl. Some time between his “I should have stopped 2 hours ago” beer and falling face-first into whatever resembled a bed, he found himself naked and crashing his Trans Am through a construction zone. That’s ... yeah. Sounds about right for a Super Bowl party.
When the police arrived, his inner David Hasselhoff kicked in, and he began threatening the officers and refusing a sobriety test. He told one of the cops that he hoped he got bone cancer. He told another that he’d be dead in under 10 minutes, because Travis knew the head of the Mafioso family.
Hey, we understand that drunk people do crazy stuff, but we can’t help but wonder if he thought the police would simply back off and say, “OK, you got us. We’ll just let you go. Nothing to see here. Just a totally normal, naked, slurring country star who had a completely harmless accident. The force of the crash must have thrown your clothes off.”
For the next 5 years, Travis put up a legal battle to keep the police video from being released to the public, but in 2017, a judge denied the request. Now we can all see what a South Park character would look like in real life. Warning: There’s bad language in this video. Also a naked Randy Travis.
Chris Hansen Was Busted For Bouncing A $13,000 Check
If you’ve never seen To Catch A Predator, you’re missing out on one of TV’s greatest accomplishments. In it, Chris Hansen works with an undercover group to lure child predators into a house and then bust them on camera. You have to sit through some cringy, frightening awfulness, but when those creeps get put in handcuffs while crying, it’s the most satisfying thing in the world.
In 2017, Hansen wrote a $13,000 check for merchandise at a small store in Connecticut. It bounced. The check, not the store. That would be weird. The owner let him know, and Hansen asked if he could pay off the bill in 4 installments. The owner rejected the offer and told him the bill needed to be paid in full. So another check was written ... which also bounced.
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“Dude, I’m good for it! I invest in Bitcoin.”
January of 2019 rolls around, and the bill still hadn’t been paid. Finally, the owner and the police had enough and arrested Hansen on larceny charges. The case has since been dropped, but there are a couple of weird details to the story:
First, Hansen’s attorney claims that the whole thing was an oversight. Far be it from us to point fingers and judge, but come the hell on. Forgetting to tip the server is an oversight. Being a week late on rent is an oversight. A $13,000 bill from 2017 is a case of “I don’t have $13,000.”
Second, according to TMZ, Hansen was given the money to pay his bill from “shock jock” Bob Romanik. He’s the guy who got into a feud with rapper Waka Flocka and dropped the mother of all racial slurs about a hundred times. If you click that link in this paragraph, you can see his rant where he tries to justify saying the word while continuing to use it several more times.
Matthew McConaughey Plays Bongos While Naked In Front Of A Window
Imagine that you’re a police officer. You get a call at 3:00 am, claiming that one of the neighbors is playing really loud music. No big deal. You figure you’ll just go over and tell them to turn it down. When you arrive, you look through the window and see a movie star, balls-naked, playing the bongos while a friend claps and dances along.
That’s what a cop was treated to in Austin, Texas in 1999.
The officer knocked on the door and told McConaughey to put on some pants. McConaughey, being McConaughey, didn’t. We assume he said something like, “Awwwwww, that wouldn’t be cool at aaallll, maaaaannnn.” Allegedly, McConaughey pushed the officer, who promptly spun his naked ass around, handcuffed him, and took him to jail, charging him with drug possession and resisting transportation.
Eventually, they threw out all the charges and slapped him with a $50 fine for a simple noise ordinance.
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Because c’mon, clothed or not, he was still killing it.
Compared to the others on this list, what he did wasn’t all that spectacular. We only list him here because of the ridiculous scene it paints in our mind. It’s so stereotypically hippie, it sounds like a parody. If it had been done in the middle of the street at a festival, we wouldn’t have thought anything of it. It probably would have just come across as a publicity stunt. But the fact that he was doing that at home, completely oblivious to the fact that he was annoying his neighbors and that his window was wide open, is hilarious to us.
When nobody’s watching, it turns out Matthew McConaughey is even more Matthew McConaughey than comedy’s most extreme impressions of him. OK, perhaps he doesn’t exactly fit the “anti-rogue” category. He was, after all, in his own home and probably just oblivious (read: high). But dude, if you’re going to bongo naked at 3:00 am and the cops arrive, just put on some damn pants when they ask you to.
Chris Tucker Gets Arrested For Speeding
We want to break this down as we go along, because the headline “Chris Tucker Pleads Guilty For Speeding” doesn’t quite do the story justice. It just makes us do a double take and say, “Wait, what? Really?”
The first thing that leaps into our brains is: “Holy crap. Arrested? How fast was he going?” Then we read the story and realize it was 109 miles per hour. OK, that makes a bit more sense. Also, he didn’t stop right away. The police chased him for 10 miles before he finally pulled over, which makes you think, “There must have been weed in the car. I’ve seen Friday. Or he stole a baby or something. Wait, did Chris Tucker smoke a stolen baby?”
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Please. Dude’s not smoking anyone this badass.
Nope. He claimed he was late for church. A church that was 200 miles away. He also claimed that he didn’t even realize he was speeding.
Now, we’ve all been guilty of spacing it and going a little over the speed limit. Some of us have even been known to be a little heavy on the right foot as a rule. But doing 109 miles per hour without knowing it? You’re either the world’s crappiest driver or the world’s highest driver. Or the world’s highest, crappiest driver.
DMX Impersonates An FBI Agent And Gets Arrested For Crack
Take a moment and put yourself in DMX’s shoes for a few minutes. Don’t worry, it’s totally worth it.
Imagine you’re on the highway, driving to ... wherever the hell you want, because you’re DMX. Suddenly, a car cuts you off, sending you into a classic DMX rage. You reach over to the dash and flip on your police lights and sirens, because you definitely have that. No, for real, the car is equipped with those. You use it to make other cars get out of your way when you’re in a rush.
The driver of the other car, however, just keeps driving like there’s not a car full of angry DMX behind them. You follow them to the airport, and they still haven’t pulled over, even though as far as they know, you are the police. This makes you mad, because if you were the real police, this person definitely should have pulled over by now.
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“Pull over! My lights are officially official looking.”
You freaking crash through the admittance gate and corner them in the parking lot. You tell the other person that you’re an FBI agent and that they need to get out of the car. They refuse. What? Does this person have no respect for authority?
All of this really did happen back in 2004. When the real police showed up, they searched DMX’s car and found 15-20 rocks of crack, Oxycodone, and Diazepam. On top of all of the charges and fines, he was eventually ordered to pay the other driver $240,000 in damages.
You can make your own “X Gon’ Give It To Ya” joke there, if you want -- we just don’t have it in us.
