5 Karmic Ass-Whoopings To End All Ass-Whoopings
Karma is a pretty straightforward concept (that and an awesome concept for a TV show that ended way too soon). To put it in terms so insultingly simple they’ll probably get a Tibetan monk to break his vows of silence and call us “jerkholes,” karma boils down to: do bad things and bad things will happen to you.
Of course, as we all know, that’s not how life works. Bad people get away with doing bad stuff all the time. But there are times when they don’t, and those are the times that really make you believe in Karma Clause, handing out justice to the real jerkholes out there with his feet and fists, like when:
A Pint-Sized Jewish Strongman Beat Up A Bunch Of Nazis
As hard as it is to believe, if you were an American wanting to hurt some Nazis in 1939, there really weren’t that many options available to you. Sure, back then, Hitler had already started WWII by invading Poland, but America didn’t join the war until 1941 because up until then, all the horrible stuff was happening to Europeans, and therefore didn’t count. However, there was one outlet for all Yankee Doodles suffering from Punchnazi withdrawal: the American Nazi Party, which, yes, was a thing that existed.
At one point, they hung a “No Jews Allowed” sign on their New York headquarters, which turned out to be unfortunate for them when Yoselle Greenstein, a Polish Jew, happened to walk past it. Needless to say, he wasn’t a fan of the sign, so he took it down and tore it up. That’s when the American Nazis came out with the offer of acquainting the man with the local hospital ward. Instead, they learned a valuable lesson about the importance of staying up to date on the carnival trades.
When the American Nazis descended on the man, he calmly proceeded to beat them all to a bloody pulp. Little surprise, considering that at the time, he’d been one of the most accomplished strongmen in America.
Badassoftheweek.com
"WAKE UP! (wake up) GRABYOURBRUSHANDPUTALITTLEMAKEUP!"
Back then, Greenstein was known as the Mighty Atom, a famous circus performer who could chew chains, crap out nails, drive them through metal sheets with his bare hands, and even BITE THROUGH THEM. Hopefully he cleaned them up first. That is double impressive for a man who measured 5’ 4” and barely weighed 140 pounds. Basically, he was the original Ant Man: a walking bullet made from bones and flesh. Bones and flesh that he drove into the noses and ribs of the attacking Nazis, sending a lot of them to the hospital.
At Greenstein’s trial (he still committed property damage), most of the recipients of his fists of fury were too hurt to appear in court. Thankfully, when the judge heard they’d been Nazis, he dismissed the whole case, because no matter the time and place, it should never be illegal to punch Nazis in their stupid, rat faces.
A Pensioner In His 70s Destroyed An Armed Burglar’s Face
When Gregory McCalium broke into the house of an elderly pensioner in Oxford, he had two things on him: a knife and a fairly high BAC. At eight in the morning, we add. That last part shouldn’t be all that surprising, because if you’re the type of guy who robs old people at knife-point, your life has probably gone off the rails in many other ways. In any case, while McCalium might have entered the residence of one Frank Corti with booze breath and reddish eyes, he left with a black eye and a swollen, purple lip.
Telegraph
"GIT OFF-AH MAH LAWN!"
McCalium’s first mistake was trying to burgle a pensioner’s house in the morning, when Frank Corti, 72 at the time, had probably been awake for more than three hours. His second mistake was choosing the house of an ex-Royal Engineer and a retired boxer to boot. And all that army and pugilism training came rushing back to Corti as soon as he saw the knife in the burglar’s hand.
By his own account, the pensioner instinctively dodged the blade and then delivered two punches to McCalium’s face, hitting his eye and mouth. That’s all it took for him to go down like a sack of booze-soaked potatoes. Him being drunk probably made it easier for Corti to knock the punk out, but there was definitely a lot of power behind his punches, seeing as on his arrest photo, McCalium kinda looks like he had just started applying Thanos make-up while gargling tar.
A Father And Son Duo Protected Their Home From 30 Thugs, Using Kung Fu
Life in rural China isn’t easy. There, the communist government technically owns all the land, and if they tell you that your house has been chosen as a site for, say, a monument of the local politician tea-bagging your mom, all you get to say in the matter is: “How much time do I have to pack?” Except if you’re Shen Jianzhong. When basically the same thing happened to him, all he said was “Bite me.” With his fists.
Shen and his family used to live in Bazhou, near Beijing, when a local Communist Party official announced that he would build an apartment complex on his land, and that Shen would maybe get a new house somewhere else. “We’ll see” was the general tone of those promises. Naturally, Shen refused to move so the official organized a gang of 30 thugs to go to his house and punch-change his mind. Shen’s wife answered the door, so she was the one to get attacked first. But then, from the thugs’ perspective, a blur came from out of nowhere, and several of them were suddenly staring at the ground with blood gushing from their faces.
Here's a video of the aftermath, and before you dive into the moronic comments made by people who didn't read the actual story (linked in the first paragraph -- here's another), keep in mind that this incident eventually forced him to flee his home.
When Shen’s wife was attacked, he and his 18 year old son rushed to fight the thugs with honest to god Bruce Lee kung fu. Shen has reportedly been practicing Jeet Kune Do for more than 20 years and is in fantastic shape, what with holding the world record for most roller push-ups in a minute. Together with his son, also a martial arts fan, they descended on the mob and knocked seven of them to the ground, handing out naps like candy on Halloween. Appropriate because near the end, the guys who got the worst of it looked a little bit like zombies.
Now, Shen did not fight all 30 of the thugs, but his martial art prowess was enough to scare off the rest of the attackers, because people who agree to threaten innocent families with violence are rarely the brave, self-sacrificing kind.
Two MMA Fighters In Drag Took Out A Group Of Drunk Jerkholes
In 2009, two rampaging asswipes from Wales were bothering people on a busy street when they spotted two men in drag attending their friend’s bachelor party. That’s when something inside them snapped. They saw two men wearing wigs and dresses, and their sobriety-impaired brains quickly did the drunk-jerkhole math of: skirt + penis = waaagh!
To call what happened next a “fight” would be really stretching the definition of the word. It was more of a crash course in minding your own business delivered by, as the police later determined, two professional cage fighters.
The first guy in drag quickly delivered some well-placed punches to the yobs bothering him, instantly knocking them to the ground. While they were down, his friend joined in with a few perfectly-executed hits of his own, as if to remind the two human punching bags that, going forward, not getting up was probably their best course of action.
Only stopping to pick up the clutch they dropped during the encounter, the two MMA fighters then set off on their merry way. And they all lived happily ever after. Except for the “attackers,” who were left wheezing, coughing, and nearly puking out their pummeled intestines.
Andrew Jackson Beat His Would-Be Assassin Nearly To Death
Richard Lawrence was the first person to ever try to assassinate a U.S. president, and he failed so hard that on Wikipedia his name is now and forever followed by “failed assassin.” But when you get down to it, we should really be calling him an “unlucky assassin,” given how his attempt on Andrew Jackson’s life went down.
Now, it’s fair to say that Jackson did some things in his life that made a lot of people want to kill him. Lawrence wasn’t one of them. Although we can’t be sure what was definitely wrong with him, he 100% suffered from some mental ailment and believed that America owned him money. And that, apparently, if he shot Jackson, $20 bills would just magically geyser forth from his body instead of blood. Truly, his plan was foolproof. Too bad for him that it also wasn’t water-proof.
On the day of the attack, Lawrence waited for Jackson to leave the funeral of a congressman when he emerged from behind a column and fired at the president. The gun misfired. Being more prepared than a Scout on Adderall, Lawrence then produced a SECOND pistol. It also misfired. A later investigation discovered that the rainy weather had gotten moisture into the guns, causing them to malfunction at just the right time. Or wrong time, from Lawrence’s perspective.
Wikimedia Commons
"Sorry, Mr. Jackson. I am for real."
By then, bystanders and security started to restrain the assassin when Jackson decided that he also wanted a piece of that action. So, he started beating on Lawrence with his cane, which we can only assume he affectionately nicknamed “Ol’ Beaty.” (Sorry, no video this time.) By some accounts, things escalated so much that people eventually had to pull the 67 year old Jackson off Lawrence before the president beat the man to death. Damn, maybe we should have put his face on baseball bats instead of money.
