4 Incompetent Thieves Who Clearly Didn't Understand What They Were Stealing
It's no secret that we love a good piece about the criminally inept around here — from the wholly inadequate planning, to the antics playing out on video, and even the resulting trips to prison and their predictably absurd escape attempts. There's just something inherently satisfying about watching someone fail at doing something bad, which … wait; is it wrong to feel that way? Should I exercise more concern, more empathy for the—
HAHAHAHA look at this moron.
Burglar Mistakenly Steals Toy Money From A Toy Cash Register
Listen, I don’t pretend to know why any individual person resorts to burglary. It’s obviously wrong, and I’m sure many burglars are bad actors, who are acting in a purely selfish way. But there’s always a part of my brain that wonders if it’s just some poor, desperate soul wrestling with that moral dilemma of whether or not it’s OK to steal a loaf of bread to feed their family.
Then I find out the target of the thievery was a not-for-profit organization, and my sympathy evaporates.
It not only seems extra wrong to steal from a non-profit, it also seems extra dumb. Since, you know, there are a lot of places to break into whose job is to make money. Literally any place that sells things would be a better option than, say, a YMCA Child Development Center. Some guy in Indio, California thought otherwise, however, and broke in through the ceiling of the YMCA and made off with the loot from the cash register.
Except the cash register in this YMCA Child Development Center was, in fact, a toy, as was the money he stole from it.
Pixabay
This … wait, something seems off.
I was unable to find any reports of him eventually getting caught, as much as I was hoping he would have tried to buy food the next day with the stolen play money. But my imagination paints a pretty funny picture of this guy getting home, emptying his pockets out on the table, and then screaming, “Goddammit!” to no one in particular.
Man Steals Vehicle From Dealership, Tries To Trade It Back To Them
Vehicle identification numbers (or VINs) have been around since 1954. And while there have been a few changes to the format over the years, one thing has remained constant: they are used to identify vehicles. You know, as the name implies (read: explicitly states).
This entire concept was apparently lost on one man from Lake City, Florida who went to a dealership to discuss his trade-in options, but on a vehicle he stole. Predictably, the VIN was checked, and the car came back stolen. Less predictably, the vehicle had been taken from that very lot. And perhaps most stupidly, the theft had occurred just three days prior, meaning it wasn’t exactly ancient history, if the passage of time had been what this dude was counting on to pull off this vehicular crime.
Pixabay
There’s a time for thought, and a time for action, but right now it’s time to sell this goddamn car.
The news report doesn’t indicate whether or not the man had ever, in his life, previously owned a car. I bring that up because it’s the only explanation I can muster as to why this dimwit wouldn’t know how VINs work, or that they are required to conduct any business with vehicles whatsoever. He would have been better off referencing our article on weird black markets for ideas that are far less-trackable, like Tide detergent or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Clearly-Marked Keepsake Bill Stolen, Then Spent At Owner’s Other Business
You know those dollar bills that people have hanging up in their businesses, typically representative of the first dollar that business made or whatever? The Railyard Taproom & Restaurant in Whitehall, New York had one of those — a $20 bill taped up behind the bar that had “GOOD LUCK RAILYARD” written across the front of it.
Well, when one ambitious criminal decided he was going to crowbar his way in and rob the place, he took that bill with him.
Pixabay
Dude, they’re all pretty much the same.
In a timeline that would make the car thief from the previous entry jealous, this guy broke into the restaurant at 10:30 p.m. on a Tuesday, and at 6 a.m. on Wednesday he was spending that $20 at a convenience store. Specifically, Putorti’s Broadway Market just down the street from the Railyard. More specifically, a store owned by a man who co-owns the Railyard with his brother.
The funny thing is that it wasn’t noticed right away, not until a Railyard employee went to Putorti’s to cash his paycheck and was handed the bill, which he took back to the Railyard and they pieced together what had happened by reviewing security footage. It really was a quirky series of events that led to the culprit being caught, but they were definitely helped along by impatience, and a failure to understand that any crime investigation usually begins inside a certain radius.
Car Thief Returns Child (That Was In The Car He Stole) To Parent
I cannot possibly explain this story any more succinctly than the news did, so I’ll just let them:
“Oregon police are searching for a man who stole a car Saturday morning without knowing a child was in the backseat and came back to lecture the mom for leaving her child unattended.”
You can probably guess how this story began, and you would be exactly right: A parent made a quick stop at the store, left their vehicle unlocked and running with their 4-year-old in the back seat, then someone simply got in the car and drove away. It would be an absolutely horrifying situation … which is kind of what the car thief thought. So when he discovered the kid in the car, he drove back to the mom, handed her the kid, then proceeded to chew her out and threaten her with a call to law enforcement.
Of course, he did drive away in the stolen car again. And I’ve found no reports of him being caught yet, which I suspect might involve some version of the police taking a, “You know what, we’re just going to let him have this one,” approach. But he’s presumably still out there, stealing cars, and probably pursuing a secondary career with Child Protective Services.
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