History Had Some Pretty Weird Ideas For Self-Care
It’s crazy to think that within just the past 200 years human life expectancy has doubled. That’s a pretty remarkable feat, due in large part to us simply taking better care of ourselves. But the road we’ve traveled to get to that point has been long, confusing, and hilarious to laugh and point at with the benefit of hindsight.
Before Nose Jobs, There Was This
Nose jobs (or Rhinoplasty if you’re fancy) are so common in America that there are approximately 220,000 procedures every year. And that’s just people who actually follow through and have enough disposable income to blow on their schnoz. So using the Breeding Statistical Method, I estimate exactly half of you reading this hate your nose, but since the surgeries cost over $5000 on average, you’ll never get one. Thankfully, there’s a much cheaper alternative: Say hallo to the “Zello.”
The Atlantic
Allow Vintage Ads Livejournal to translate all that German for you:
SUCH NOSE ERRORS and similar will be quite significantly improved with the orthopedic nose former "Zello." The new and improved Model 20 exceeds all others. Double-layered padding clings exactly to the anatomical structure of the nose so that the affected nasal cartilage is normal-shaped in a short time. (Bone deformities are not.) Most warmly recommended by Royal Court Advisor Dr. G. von Eck, M.D. and other medical authorities. 100,000 "Zello" in use. Price 5 Marks, 7 Marks, and 10 Marks and a 10% surcharge for a doctor's visit. (A model or impression is desired.) Specialist L. M. Baginski, Berlin W. 126, Winterfeldstr.
According to this ad, there are evidently nine nose type: Potato Nose, Saddle Nose, Duckbill Nose, Wide Nose, Pointy Nose, Long Nose, Hook Nose, Slant Nose, and, finally, the “normal form” to which all of us clearly aspire. This Saw-trap monstrosity worked something like a Play-Doh mold, whereby you shove your dumbass potato or duckbill nose into the mask, and over time the cartilage (supposedly) reforms your “nose errors” into a sexier shape. Assuming you have no bone deformities, obviously.
This invention is actually only one of many by old-timey inventor/likely-evil scientist Leo Maximilan Baginski, so maybe its lunacy is par for the course. I mean, this was a man who was eventually sent to Buchenwald concentration camp because he used forced labor. And when he got out he started a kindergarten and built a company that sold for $70 billion in 2009. He lived an interesting, seemingly very full life, is what I’m saying. And I’m critiquing him, yet meanwhile I’m writing about saddle noses in my underwear and building exactly zero kindergartens.
Italian Soldiers Refused Pre-Packaged Food So They Were Sent Live Sheep Via Parachute
Italians are, stereotypically anyway, a group of people that really care about the quality of their food. If you’ve ever been to actual Italy, you know this to be deliciously true, while simultaneously and interestingly being exactly the opposite for “Italian” food in the U.S. Come on, Bertucci’s, get it together.
But you may underestimate the effort Italians have historically put in to ensure their food is as fresh and tasty as possible. We’re talking inventing new wartime technologies lengths.
During the Second Italo-Abyssinian War, the Italian Army had to march through a big, empty desert, and as such had difficulty carrying a bunch of supplies and extra bowls of farfalle or whatever, and the terrain was too difficult for vehicles to easily traverse. To combat this issue, they began using one of the first known instances of a “flying supply column.” That is, supplies would be flown in via airplane and dropped to the troops to keep them combat ready.
Pixabay
“There, now quit whining about your ‘needs’ and go do war things.”
These drops included your typical soldier crap—water, ammo, food, Nintendo Switches probably—but the guys in charge of provisions quickly noticed an issue. The Italian soldiers flat-out refused to eat pre-packaged rations. Apparently, an Italian will starve to death in a desert before they eat a Cliff bar.
And since dead soldiers are usually pretty bad at winning wars, the higher-ups acquiesced to the demands of their men. They strapped parachutes onto sheep and cows and shoved them out of airplanes. And ... yeah, that's about it. Then they killed and ate them. Innovation!
A Product Helps Protect Mustaches From One Super Specific Danger
The mustache has enjoyed a long, glorious track record throughout history, donning the upper lip of great men the world over, from porn stars to weird uncles. We’re currently living through something of a mustache resurgence, and we can only hope that we’ll similarly see a rise in the mustache protectors our ancestors swore by.
See, in the Victorian era, moustaches were often styled with wax, because apparently they had all sorts of free time back then. But the problem with wax is that it has a tendency to melt when in contact with something particularly hot like a cup of tea or your mom [Really, Jordan? -Ed.]. To combat this pervasive issue, in 1830 a potter named Harvey Adams created a tea cup with a built in protector that would block the hot liquid from touching your hairy masterpiece.
Pixabay
And preserving its magnificence.
His invention took off, because of course it did. Several other patents were filed almost immediately, and the product experienced a nearly 100-year reign as a real thing that real people spent real money on. And ... oh, look at that. They're making something of a resurgence on eBay and Etsy. So get your filthy hipster on, I guess?
Prevent Baldness By ... Sucking Your Own Head?
Nobody besides professional wrestlers want to go bald. In fact, dudes spend billions of dollars a year to ensure their glorious manes never thin out. This isn’t a new fear, though, and there have been many attempts throughout history to solve this ever-present issue. There weren’t a whole lot of options back in 1914, unless you wanted to try freaking blood supplements. Enter the glorious "Capillary Chalice.”
The Atlantic
This beast promised to use the ancient Chinese art of, um, “cupping” to help with hair loss. And while it’s not that kind of cupping, it would probably be just as effective. Basically, they stick these bamboo cups on your head and then use a vacuum tube to suck your head really hard and stimulate blood circulation in your skull. According to the patent: “When the scalp has thus been loosened, it ceases to impede the normal circulation of the blood among the roots of the hair."
Now, typically the machine was plugged into a mechanical pump that would do the sucking for you. But it was so successful that they ended up creating several variations, including one that allowed you to stick the tube in your own mouth and suck your own head like some kind of Prohibition-era Marilyn Manson. So think about that the next time you're admiring your great-grandpa's almost unnaturally full head of hair -- it’s probably because he sucked his own head.
Potty Training In Soviet Germany Was Insane
In capitalist countries like America, potty training is generally controlled by private interests (parents). But in Soviet era East Germany, your child's sphincter was controlled by the state.
Pixabay
“And yours and your dog’s.”
Once kids hit a certain age, they were shipped off to crazy communal camps to learn to poop alongside their tottering comrades. As in, they were literally right next to each other. Several times a day, all the kids would be lined up and seated on a long poop bench and told to cut loose—anally speaking. Apparently, this terrifying ritual wasn’t just effective at keeping their lederhosen clean; it broke their spirit and made them better Communists.
The craziest thing about all of this, though, is that there are several completely serious researchers out there attempting to determine if this regimented poop training actually affected the psyche of a country in some serious way. As in, some are wondering if Germany’s history of hardcore toilet patterns might be partially to blame for the Holocaust. That may sound like a stretch, but East Germans are still way, way more likely to commit racially motivated crimes than those on the non-group-poop side. Also, they practically never crap their pants after a night at Buffalo Wild Wings, which isn’t something most Americans can say.
Jordan Breeding is the creator, writer, and host of Cracked’s new YouTube series “Your Brain On Cracked.”
