5 Hilariously Specific Uses For Food Throughout History
From Thanksgiving mashed potato castles to preschool macaroni art, we learn from a very young age that food isn't always strictly for eating. Its intended purpose can sometimes be tweaked ever so slightly, and in a way that’s almost absurdly specific. It takes vision, ingenuity, and sometimes complete buffoonery to reach this level of creativity, because this is not what food is for, you guys.
Carrots: The Multipurpose Sex Vegetable Of The Ancients
Western philosophy sure owes a lot to those ancient Greeks. It was a time to question everything, and there was world-shaping enlightenment, many eurekas, and much nudity involved throughout. The thing is, when you're questioning everything, you're really kind of asking the weird, off-the-wall questions nobody has thought to ask yet. And so thousands of years ago one of those questions was, “Hey, how do you think vegetables work into this whole sex thing?”
History has no record detailing the expressions on the faces of the people who heard this question posed for the first time, but we presume they were varying levels of hilarious. Because seriously, why vegetables? Is there some symbolism there with how they grow or how it's the flower of the plant or- what? Seriously?
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Let’s be mature here.
It turns out that the Greeks believed that whoever made all this crap (a.k.a. the world and everything in it) left us little clues on how to cure our ailments. Basically, if it looks like a body part, it's probably for benefiting said part of the body. So walnuts helped brain problems, avacados were for testicle-related issues ... you get the idea. Of course, this meant that anything even remotely phallic-shaped was obviously some sort of magical penile enhancer, because of course it was. No word on whether or not they believed peaches cured butt disease, but given the cartoonish cause and effect relationship being assumed here, we have to assume that they did.
The mighty carrot, however, sat atop the opulent throne of super-sexy phallic veggies. Not only were they prepared in a variety of ways to be consumed as an aphrodisiac, but ancient Greek physician Pedanius Dioscorides even wrote that: “The seed ... promotes pregnancy. The root, however, which is diuretic, stimulates sexual desire and when used as a suppository, dispels the embryo.”
Whoa. Carrots truly were the Swiss Army knives of ancient sexy times, so long as you knew which part of the vegetable went in which part of the body, we guess.
Pineapples: A Beautiful Centerpiece That's Not For Eating
Listen, we're not getting involved in that contentious pineapple on pizza debate. We will say, however, that surely it should exist as a food item somewhere, in some capacity, either by itself or mixed with something else, destined for somebody's gullet. Because it's a fruit and it's meant to be eaten. That's not controversial, right guys?
It might have been in 18th century America, where you were more likely to find a pineapple sitting somewhere prominently and decoratively than you were to see somebody shoving it into their facehole.
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Or using it to create a delightfully refreshing beverage.
Since pineapples were so difficult to acquire at the time, they were super expensive, and having one was very much a status symbol. But literally just that: having one. People didn't haul them out at an important social gathering and declare, “Ha ha! Look at what we'll all be eating because of my enormous wealth!” It was more, “Ha ha! Look at this expensive thing that nobody gets to eat but that I absolutely have because of my enormous wealth!” Which is pretty much like going to a dinner party where there are these beautiful filets out on display but they just sit there the whole night and apparently there is no steak happening at this thing and why does nobody cook them and everything is the worst.
Oh, and if you didn't have the money to buy one, you could just rent one for the day and carry it around to show off your fake riches. We sincerely hope that means someone, at some point, rigged up some dope pineapple necklace, Flavor Flav-style. But alas, history has failed us again in recording the answers to future questions we were all bound to ask. Speaking of, history does tell us that the pineapples were, in fact, eventually eaten, but only after everyone had their fill of being seen with them, and in many cases, after they had already started rotting.
Though now we wonder if there wasn't a missed opportunity there -- could they have made some fancy alcoholic beverage out of the fermenting fruit? Goddamn, that would have been chic.
Garlic-Flavored Chocolate: An Important Tool In Any Spy's Arsenal
Very much unlike James Bond, real spies want to do their best to blend in; to go completely unnoticed while they go about their spy-related activities. Which is why these trained masters of espionage have employed various tactics with this goal in mind -- basically anything that will help them not get found out. And while things like a proper disguise and a spot-on accent are important, smelling the part was crucial, too.
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It’s always crucial, for the record.
For the British during World War II, there was decidedly less garlic in their diet than the people they were spying on. So much less, in fact, that the difference in odor was noticeable enough that it needed to be corrected for. And since convincing these people to simply adopt a few more garlic-heavy options in their normal meal rotation was going to be impossible, they came up with the next best thing: garlic chocolates. Which is exactly what it sounds like.
If the spies weren't going to smell like garlic, uh, naturally, they were at least going to smell like it before landing in France and doing all of their spy stuff. And now that we think about it, it really sounds like some hilarious war tactic based on a dumb stereotype: “Here, eat this. You know those French and their stank-ass garlic breath.” How rude.
Live Bird-Filled Pies: A Real Thing That People Actually Did For Fun
Do you remember that scene in Game of Thrones where Joffrey cuts open that cake and a bunch of birds fly out? Or what about that nursery rhyme that talks about blackbirds baked in a pie? Do you ever wonder why “bird pie” is even a concept at all?
It's because putting live birds in a pie and watching them fly out to the supposed surprise and delight of everyone around was an actual thing that people did for entertainment back in the day. Though we're not sure how – well, we know how. They just built a wooden bird cage for the pie filling instead of apples or whatever. But why this would be unexpected or entertaining eludes us. Could no one hear the panicked squawks coming from under the crust? Were people overjoyed with finding out that there was, in fact, no pie to be had, or at least one less pie? Who was this meant to entertain?
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“And now, the beloved jester George will recite ‘Sing a Song of Sixpence’ continuously for the next three hours.”
Granted, the 16th century was a simpler time, and people didn't have things like funny cat videos or Candy Crush to distract themselves at otherwise boring-ass social gatherings, so they did their best with what they had. Still, it seems more like a completely expected way to get bird crap and feathers all over the other food on the table than it does a way to bring enjoyment to your guests.
In fact, if you want to purposefully throw the worst party ever, simply set that live bird pie right next to the pineapple that everybody can look at but is forbidden from eating. It'll irritate people in a completely new way!
Graham Crackers: The Cure For Sexual Deviancy
We don't know if you knew this, but society has fallen deep into the Sea of Perversion. There are all manner of thrusting and gyrating and other devilishly-sexy things going on in the world, and history has no shortage of people trying to put an end to it all. Usually misguided, often idiotic people -- but people nonetheless. We assure you, they were very much people; people who were certain that humanity's collapse would be directly tied to our wanting to get freaky with one another.
One such individual was Sylvester Graham, a man with a doctorate in Everbody is Going to Hell studies from the Sex is Evil School of Thought. Pretty much everything on his sex list was considered taboo, including masturbation and enjoying intercourse more than once a month. And he was absolutely convinced that something other than a little cartoon Satan perched atop everyone's shoulders was promoting these dastardly urges: food.
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Sexy, lustful food.
Apparently, fat and meat and spice and anything else that made food taste good was basically humping fuel, so Graham championed a diet rich in whole grains, fruits and vegetables, while low in tingly sensations for your naughty bits. He actually believed that God himself had sent him down this path, to rid humanity of its terrible filth using the power of bland food.
Part of that crusade was his hatred of white flour, because it used (admittedly) harmful ingredients in its production. His whole wheat, “Graham bread” alternative wasn't exactly a superstar in the taste department, but it fell right in line with the healthy living and sexual-urge-suppressing food he was promoting at the time. Hilariously, that very bread ended up becoming sugar crackers thanks to Nabisco, and now exists solely as an ingredient for S'mores.
So pretty much the exact opposite of what he intended. Oh, and everybody's still going at it all the time, and constantly inventing new and glorious ways to do it. So eat it, Graham. Or wait, nevermind -- we will. And then we’re going to do something unwholesome just out of spite.
